I bet you think Helen was born to a mortal women named Leda, who cuckolded her husband (Tyndareus) repeatedly. Well, you got that two-thirds right.
That shape-shifting Zeus was Helen's father, but I, Nemesis, was the luckless mother. And no, I did nothing to lead him on. Zeus presented himself as my inamorata and made it quite clear he wouldn't take no for an answer, so I turned into a swan (rumors to the contrary, I was not a silly goose!) and started to fly away.
I should have known better. Instead of thinking of Zeus as a snake I should have remembered how he delighted in avian form. He donned the male swan suit so quickly I was overcome. It turns out it was a good thing I wasn't in my customary mammalian form or I'd have had to carry his baby to term.
Well, Leda (who had a fancy for swans) already had a Zeus-sired brood, Castor, Pollux, and Clytemnestra. What was one more? So I left my egg in her custody and watched from a distance as she raised my blue-eyed daughter to rival Aphrodite in looks.
Meanwhile...
Remember my Aunt Gaia? Mother Earth? the other daughter of Chaos? the lusty female? Instead of thinking that her husband Uranus got his just deserts for keeping her captive, perhaps you should think about what all she had been up to.
Not content with one mate (Uranus), I hear she created Pontus (the Sea), by whom, they say, she gave birth to Nereus, who was the father of Thetis, who is the nymph known as Achilles' mother.
Thetis decided to marry one of Zeus' grandchildren -- Peleus, of Argonaut fame. Earlier, Zeus had thought Thetis was pretty hot and it looked as though Peleus didn't stand a chance against him, but then the king of the gods gave up suddenly. I hear it's because of an oracle that predicted Thetis' child would be greater than his father. I guess the thunder-wielder feared a little divine retribution, eh? So, to make sure he wouldn't have the opportunity to change his mind, Zeus -- with the goddess of love (Aphrodite/Venus) at his side -- made the wedding arrangements for his ex-love Thetis and her soon-to-be mortal husband Peleus. To stave off any mischief at the festivities, they deliberately slighted Eris and her brood by not inviting them to the wedding. Absolutely everyone else was invited. Even yours truly.
As a good mother, Eris took umbrage at this affront to her pride and joy. Smarter than some of us she realized attacking Zeus directly was foolish, so she decided to stir up some trouble among the rest of the gods.
I have to admit I approved her plan. Today you'd call it "natural consequences," a very proper way of teaching a lesson. If the goddesses hadn't been so vain nothing would have happened. They could have declined the nomination and awarded my Helen the apple. But no, of course not. The goddesses are hopelessly vain and jealous. Of the contenders, only Demeter had any sense. She knew she wouldn't win with those tear-stained cheeks she wore each winter while her daughter Persephone was in the Underworld. So it was that Aphrodite, Athena, and Hera fought for the title of "most beautiful" in order to win a golden apple sent by Eris as "gift" to the "most beautiful" of the gods.
(A round of applause, please, for my sister's delightful sense of humor.)
